Every day for almost a year, I posted one of my photos in a self-created community on Google+. I eventually racked up an impressive list of followers.

But it wasn’t enough. I wasn’t getting what I needed, so I deleted the whole damn thing.

Lately, nothing is ever enough. There’s something lacking in my life, and I can’t figure out what it is.

I’m still writing, still taking pictures, and I enjoy both activities, but there’s a hole inside me, demanding to be filled.

Based on years of reading and study, I suspect that hole is always there. It’s what makes humans, as a species, continue pushing forward. That hole makes us want more, even if we don’t know precisely what that entails. We don’t settle. We don’t simply accept. 

Many years ago, one of the networks presented a miniseries called The Thorn Birds. It revolved around a young lady in Australia, who fell in love with a priest. It was full of angst and totally wonderful. 🙂 The book is even better, and I recommend it if you like long, satisfying, epic romances.

I mention the show because in it, the priest says, with terrible longing, “I don’t know how to stop wanting.

That describes what I’m feeling right now. He wanted the pretty young girl, despite his vows of celibacy, but I have no idea what I want. I only know that I want.

As there is no easy answer to that, I’ll close this post with a photo. This is a tricolor heron. I was lucky enough to get really close to it. Click on it for detail.

About Fenraven

Fenraven lives in central Florida, which reminds him of Wisconsin and Minnesota. Find him on Twitter and Facebook by searching on 'fenraven'.
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8 Responses to Unsettled

  1. Helena Stone says:

    Oh my. I do wish I had an answer for you but, of course, I don’t. I would advice you not to do anything rash, although as far as your Google+ community is concerned, that advice would obviously be too late. I firmly believe that wanting doesn’t always mean ‘instead of’ but can also be a longing for more, on top of what we already have. But, maybe I’m wrong. Maybe you need to let something go in order to make space for something new. If that’s the case I hope the next ‘thing’ will make itself known to you asap because, if I’m honest, you don’t sound happy right now. Take care and remember…The grass isn’t always greener elsewhere, sometimes it’s an optical illusion (or the use of good filters). ❤

  2. Janet Ellinger says:

    That was my mom’s favorite book. My dad read it several times too. I still have their well-worn copy. My dad was re-reading it when he passed. I know that feeling…it comes and goes and sometimes hangs around longer than usual. When that happens it teeters back and forth into an almost-depression. It usually takes something out of the norm (the rut…the routine…) to smack me out of it. Maybe you need to take a little trip. Head to the ocean. Take Suki and your camera and just go for a few days. Nothing elaborate…just an adventure.

  3. Lindsaysf says:

    Ah. I have known that feeling. I shared in an OA meeting once years ago that I felt that I simply wasn’t enough – whatever that meant. Not enough, don’t have enough – whatever. I was happily surprised a couple of years ago to wake up and feel that I really did finally have enough. Enough food, water, friends, shelter and warmth, clothes, even enough money for what I need. It was an immense lifting of a weight. Sure I could find use for more, but no longer felt that hole. Why this happened I can’t really say. Philosophers have often said that the hole of “not enough” is part of the human condition, but maybe that is only for certain stages in life. You know I’m not High & Holy nor Enlightened or such. I suspect for me the shift had something to do with being in a program for a number of years that has a good approach to life, the type of support I like, etc. Or maybe with being retired and able to lie in bed and watch the birds outside and have choice over how I spend my time. Or maybe it was from doing a daily list of what I was grateful for. Or maybe just getting older. Will it last? Don’t know. I just hope we can all have that freedom someday!

    • Fenraven says:

      Glad to hear you’re in a good place these days. I’ve been there from time to time, but it doesn’t last. Money would make a big difference, but that isn’t going to happen. In fact, as time goes on, my financial picture becomes more and more precarious. This is true of many people like me.

      I’d like to travel. I’d like to do things. I’d like to have good medical coverage. I’d like to feel safe. Right now, in this country, that isn’t possible. That’s a scary thing, feeling so vulnerable.

  4. W. Lotus says:

    I feel that way from time to time. It sneaks up on me and isn’t obvious until I realize I am aimlessly browsing social media looking for…what, I have no idea. Then I remind myself whatever I am longing for cannot be found on social media. I even wrote that reminder on the whiteboard by my desk. Logging out and focusing on something meaningful to me helps.

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