Fen and Mr. Perv

Two doors down is a guy who is inordinately fond of talking about sex. I’ll call him Dave, ’cause that’s his name. He’s seventy-two years old and never grew up. First question he asked related to my orientation. Being an open, honest person, I answered despite my uneasiness.

Big mistake.

In his mind, that opened the door to other sex-related questions, and wondering if I was a nudist was at the top of the list.

Then he told me what a great ass I had, how my legs were terrific and I should always wear short-shorts, and he liked my chest. I either ignored him or shut him down.

That changed yesterday. Here’s what happened:

A few weeks ago, he took to wearing worn jeans with lots of holes in them. One hole was in the crotch, and if he moved just right, you glimpsed his dick. I didn’t want to see that thing, so I averted my eyes and ignored it. I gave him the benefit of the doubt, ya know? Didn’t like wearing underwear, only came outside for a minute… I tried not to be around when he was. You know, the whole “pretend it doesn’t exist and it’ll go away” thing.

My attitude must have got to him, and he made the hole bigger. I was just noticing that when a male friend of his from across the canal showed up not a minute after I did. We almost always visited under the shade tree with drinks while looking at the canal. Kept things casual.

We planted ourselves under the tree and chatted. I noticed Dave pointedly making efforts to avoid flashing his neighbor, and I finally tumbled to his game. On to you, Mr. Perv. No more doubts.

I saw the jeans again a couple weeks ago, and I swear that hole had gotten even larger. He was pruning bushes along the back of his lanai and not being shy about it. I don’t remember now, but I’m guessing the neighbors on either side were gone, and he wasn’t worried about someone using the canal sidewalk at his back.

At this point, it’s obvious he didn’t care what I thought, and in fact he may have hoped I’d see him in all his glory. I lowered the blinds.

Yesterday he really crossed the line though. He knocked on the lanai door to ask me questions about my internet blah blah (nothing a company rep couldn’t answer, so I’m guessing this was an excuse to shove his penis in my face, and I’m only talking half-metaphorically). The crotch hole had gotten so big, I could see the whole damn thing, and he made sure to stand with that leg facing me so I wouldn’t miss a damn thing.

While I’m averting my eyes, I’m asking myself, “How do I deal with this? If I report him to the condo board, they may or may not require proof, and it would cause a ruckus one way or another. They might even label me a troublemaker. If I call the cops, they would certainly require proof, and I don’t have my camera, so I can’t even take a sneaky picture. If I bring it up with him right now, he will argue and attempt to shut me down and belittle my complaint. I might not get a chance to say what I need to say.”

I didn’t invite him in, and he left after a few minutes. But I was fucking pissed, so this morning, first thing, I wrote him a letter.

Here it is in full:

Being around you lately is making me uncomfortable.

Those jeans you’re wearing? The ones where you’ve ripped a bigger and bigger hole so your dick can hang out? Throw them away, because one day soon, someone you didn’t intend to is going to get an eyeful and report you to the cops. It might even be me if I get fed up enough.

There’s a difference between practicing nudity for the joy of not wearing clothes and flashing your junk at people. The latter is criminal sexual harassment, and for all I know, may qualify as sexual assault. It’s certainly indecent exposure, and there are laws against that.

Knock it the hell off.

The behavior you’re engaging in now is not healthy, nor is it nudism. It’s perversion. You’ve crossed a line, Dave.

I’ll make it perfectly clear: I don’t want to see your dick. I am not interested in any kind of sexual relationship with you. Stop talking about my legs, my ass, my chest. I am not interested, and it only makes you sound like a dirty old man.

And don’t pretend innocence either. The day your racist friend showed up and you were wearing those jeans? You made sure to sit with your legs crossed so you wouldn’t flash him. You are fully aware of what you’re doing.

I like talking with you—we’ve had come good chats under the tree—but if you don’t stop this bullshit immediately, our friendship is over.

The next time we run into each other, you will not be wearing those pants, and you will not bring this up. We are not going to spend time talking about your genitals, nor will we debate the difference between nudism and perversion. I’m pretty sure you know what separates one from the other, and if you don’t… seek mental help.

I told R about this, and he said, “Oh, that friendship is over.”

I had the letter with me when I visited one of his neighbors this morning. I wanted to know if he’d treated her the same way he’d treated me. She said he’s been suggestive on several occasions, but she just ignored it.

He told me some time ago he’d asked her if she minded if he had his morning coffee in the lanai while nude, and she said no. I asked her about that. Turns out reality didn’t exactly go like that.

He inquired about how much she saw out her bedroom window, which overlooks his lanai. She said she almost never looked out of it but if she wanted to know if he was there, she might. So he told her about his liking for drinking coffee naked, and thereafter, she kept that window closed and the blinds down.

You see how he twisted things.

I’m sad right now. One of the few people I enjoyed talking with turned out to be so perverted, I couldn’t take it. And damn, that live oak was wonderful to sit under while drinking wine or a scotch and watching the canal.

Assholes ruin everything.



About Fenraven

Fenraven happily lives in south Florida, where it is really hot most of the year. Find him on Twitter, Google +, and Facebook by searching on 'fenraven'.
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24 Responses to Fen and Mr. Perv

  1. Jaycee Edward says:

    Did you actually give him the letter? It’s a good letter, but I think I’d almost be tempted to withhold it for one more visit. The next time he comes out to sit with you and he’s wearing them, I’d just say, “Can you please not wear those damn jeans around me? I *reallly* don’t want to see that shit.” I’d say it in a somewhat joking way, but with enough snark that he’d know I meant it. If that doesn’t work, I’d send the letter.

  2. Lindsaysf says:

    Well, it ain’t over yet. Let’s hope he listens & learns & appreciates your honesty.

  3. Allison says:

    Good luck with this. What a slimy thing to do and, hey, bonus points for cluelessness (unless, of course it was intentional) on his part. I hope it works out and that he goes back to being someone you can enjoy chatting with, even if you can’t ever trust him again.

  4. Patricia says:

    I think your friendship is done. That was a brilliant letter. Good luck to living stress-free next door to him.

  5. A.M.B. says:

    Yes, assholes ruin everything. The saddest part of this is how common this type of behavior is (and how early in life people are exposed to it on a regular basis). You did a good thing by speaking up. It isn’t easy to do that.

    • Fenraven says:

      No, it isn’t easy speaking up, even when the other person is clearly taking advantage of a situation and obviously in the wrong. My parents raised me to have manners. It’s really, really difficult for me to tell someone they’re somehow polluting my space. 😦 And we will run into each other, as we live close to one another, and that’s going to be awkward. I read my letter to him over again this morning and cringed at how harsh some of it sounded, then I remembered what he’d been doing to me and gave myself a mental slap. It was okay to be harsh; in fact, he may not have understood anything more tactful.

  6. diannegray says:

    Good grief – what a perv he is. I’m glad you wrote the letter and too bad if he’s insulted by it. People like this ruin the quiet enjoyment of your surroundings. Stay safe and keep clear of him because he sounds like he’s one sandwich short of a picnic xxxx

    • Fenraven says:

      Except for one brief moment a couple days ago, I haven’t seen hide nor hair of him. If he has any sense at all, he’ll feel embarrassed enough to avoid me indefinitely.

  7. Kirsty says:

    I have not words… what a fucking weirdo man. I mean each to their own re nudity, who doesn’t like to wander about in the scud in private? But that’s just perverted.

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