Oops! Lost track of time…

Usually, I post something on Wednesday, but I totally forgot this morning, and last night, I was wrapping up an edit.

My apologies to those of you who expect something new three times a week, and dropped by this morning to get it only to find nothing. šŸ˜¦

So… let’s talk about toilet paper. (How’s that for an interesting segue?)

What can one say about it? Europeans think Americans have dirty asses because they use toilet paper to wipe their butts. “All you’re doing is smearing shit around. How is that CLEAN?”

You ask how I know they think that. Well, a bunch of us got into a conversation about this very subject online one night and this came out of it.

Europeans have bidets. Americans think such things, on the rare occasions they run into them, are low drinking fountains.Ā 



Where would Americans put a bidet anyway? Space is at such a premium in most homes (whether they are houses or apartments), there is no room for a bidet.

I, for one, want one. They are more hygienic; who wouldn’t enjoy a thorough but quick cleaning after dropping a load in the toilet? I mean, you never know who you’re gonna meet, right? Or, if you are coupled up like me and AJ, when the next impromptu sex will take place.

Toilet paper just doesn’t do the job. And while we’re on the subject, I was house-sitting not long ago, and not only didn’t they have a bidet, but the toilet paper they used was scored in horizontal lines.

I cannot tell you how often that damn paper ripped while I was applying it to my sensitive nether regions. Shitty fingers anyone?

My guess is, whoever makes that paper never tested it on actual human asses. The third time it happened, I literally screamed out loud.

There’s your Wednesday post, a little late but still, I hope, entertaining. šŸ™‚


About Fenraven

Fenraven happily lives in south Florida, where it is really hot most of the year. Find him on Twitter, Google +, and Facebook by searching on 'fenraven'.
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38 Responses to Oops! Lost track of time…

  1. A bidet is more a mainland Europe thing, they’re rather rare in the UK but I like them too, except the ones that seem to have the coldest water known to man!

    Baby wipes are magical things.

  2. AJ Rose says:

    I have seen now where there’s toilet paper much like baby wipes, damp with … whatever it is that gets a baby’s ass clean, and comes in a special roll holder so it doesn’t dry out. Unlike baby wipes, it will still dissolve in the plumbing so no clogs. This needs to be more mainstream.

  3. Helle says:

    Bidets aren’t all that common in Denmark either. I worked for a family who had one once, but with my usual grace I managed to douce myself UP my back and since it was unexpected I jump right off, smacking onto my knees… I left the toilet wet and walking funny… Never used a bidet since and now I stick too babywipes….

  4. Christine J. says:

    A delicate subject, to be sure, but(t) an important one for those of us concerned with hygiene. Cottonelle Fresh Care wipes are a staple in our bathroom. You can also use water-filled perineum bottle if you wish to create a makeshift bidet, Fen. Same concept, just more “hands on.” ;o)

  5. Karen says:

    Oh my god, as soon as I get up from rolling around on the floor with laughter I will give this conversation serious consideration…no, I lie I won’t some things do not bear thinking about to deeply the bathroom habits of others is near the top of that list right after parents or siblings doing the deed or if your a parent what your children do behind closed doors, not further thought necessary. Lol, you guys are awesome. Theo, I love checking your postings I never know what I’m going to find. But just remember everyone no matter what your bathroom practices always, always maintain good hand hygiene.

  6. copperteal39 says:

    We use the flat package septic tank usable flushable wipes. You have to learn the technique to get them out of the container but they work like a charm!

  7. Lindsaysf says:

    ahem. There are other solutions.
    I have a bidet hose, attached to my sink faucet and hanging handily from the toilet. Available from Amazon. A fancy spa here has special bidet seats, on a regular toilet. And there is a portable handheld bidet called Toto that is also available on Amazon. Yikes! It doubled in price since I got mine…a while ago.

  8. Judy says:

    Europeans and their curious prejudices, huh? šŸ˜‰ I’ve never even heard of this one, and I’ve lived here for a while. In a lot of countries, and especially in the more rural regions, it’s fairly uncommon to have a bidet. Which leads to interesting misunderstandings when the simple folk gets to a big city and stays in a fancy hotel – like mistaking the bidet for a urinal.
    Have you ever encountered one of these paperless toilets? It’s like a combination of toilet and bidet, solves the problem of having not enough space.

    • I suppose this then means you have to dry off on a towel or something? That doesn’t sound sanitary unless each person gets their own towel!

      I suddenly had this image flash through my mind: a row of towels, each monogrammed with someone’s initials, hanging like stockings at Christmas…

  9. Dani says:

    no bidet here in holland i know they are in more warmer countries but nope not here in the Netherlands we have toiletpaper šŸ™‚
    your post was very entertaining btw šŸ˜€

  10. Kirkland moist flushable wipes Much cheaper and more durable than baby wipes, and safe for septic systems. Of course since they come from Costco, you buy a lot of them at one time.

  11. Judy says:

    In reference to “googled it” : Err, um, I don’t think those devices are functioning that way …. but now I will have this in my head all day … you’re killing me!

  12. Elin Gregory says:

    LOL, super post and very relevant to folk who want to write across geographical borders. No bidets in Wales unless the householder is VERY upmarket. Ordinary stiffs make do with loo paper.

  13. W. Lotus says:

    We use flushable wipes. I don’t know how I found out about them, but I’ve been using them for about 10 years now and cannot, can NOT stand to use the bathroom without them, for the same reason your European friends think we are unclean. šŸ™‚

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