I believed it did when I was fourteen. I thought I’d meet the perfect guy, we’d fall eternally in love with each other, and the rest of my life would be flowers and rainbows and unicorns (This is a metaphor. I wasn’t really into unicorns. Maybe the rainbows though).
Didn’t happen. I collided with one guy after another until my mid-twenties before meeting someone I could get serious about. That lasted a short time. He moved on, I moved on. Eventually I met JJ. You know what happened there. He’s in NYC and I’m in the Midwest. Sometimes, I still miss him. Don’t tell AJ.
AJ and I were friends for the longest time. Now we’re lovers. We don’t live together, but we’re in and out of each other’s lives every day. His dog and mine sleep together when they’re in the same apartment, which usually happens when we humans are together. So far, it’s good.
Yesterday, I made him wear women’s silk underwear all day. He protested at first, but I insisted. He’s been writing a BSDM novel and has made it apparent he’s interested in experimenting a little. I’m willing. AJ is the s, I’m the D. According to ex-lover JJ, I’m a controlling son of a bitch anyway.
Eventually, he gave in and put them on. He’d picked up an extra shift at work and went off in jeans, under which he wore something red and slippery. The thought of him wearing that underwear all night kept me half-hard through the evening.
By the time he got home, close to 3 am, he was in such a state from that silk rubbing against him all night that he attacked me while I was half-asleep. Out of a sense of propriety, I will draw the curtain. Assume we had an incredible romp in the non-silk sheets and the sun was rising before we passed out.
It was great, so why was I so nervous? Simple question, difficult answer.
I wonder if it will last, if we will last. Because honestly, how often does a relationship work out? I’ve been burned more than once. I’m cautious. I’m scared. He knows it. I try not to hide anything from him.
But it does raise the obvious question. In committed relationships, does monogamy equal monotony? Must we always be pushing each other’s buttons while we’re pushing sexual boundaries in order to stay interested?
I don’t get ‘love.’ I know it involves commitment and emotion and putting the other person’s needs before your own. I’m doing my damnedest to do that but every once in a while, I wonder if the effort is enough.
I wonder if today, everything I’ve done to make things right falls short, or something goes really wrong and I fail, and the person I’ve welcomed into my life and come to depend on decides he’d rather be elsewhere.
That’s a sobering thought. It’s amazing I keep trying at all. I’ll have to accept HFN (happy for now) and keep my fingers crossed.