Happily Ever After: Does it Exist?

I believed it did when I was fourteen. I thought I’d meet the perfect guy, we’d fall eternally in love with each other, and the rest of my life would be flowers and rainbows and unicorns (This is a metaphor. I wasn’t really into unicorns. Maybe the rainbows though).

Didn’t happen. I collided with one guy after another until my mid-twenties before meeting someone I could get serious about. That lasted a short time. He moved on, I moved on. Eventually I met JJ. You know what happened there. He’s in NYC and I’m in the Midwest. Sometimes, I still miss him. Don’t tell AJ.

AJ and I were friends for the longest time. Now we’re lovers. We don’t live together, but we’re in and out of each other’s lives every day. His dog and mine sleep together when they’re in the same apartment, which usually happens when we humans are together. So far, it’s good. 

Yesterday, I made him wear women’s silk underwear all day. He protested at first, but I insisted. He’s been writing a BSDM novel and has made it apparent he’s interested in experimenting a little. I’m willing. AJ is the s, I’m the D. According to ex-lover JJ, I’m a controlling son of a bitch anyway.

Eventually, he gave in and put them on. He’d picked up an extra shift at work and went off in jeans, under which he wore something red and slippery. The thought of him wearing that underwear all night kept me half-hard through the evening.

By the time he got home, close to 3 am, he was in such a state from that silk rubbing against him all night that he attacked me while I was half-asleep. Out of a sense of propriety, I will draw the curtain. Assume we had an incredible romp in the non-silk sheets and the sun was rising before we passed out.

It was great, so why was I so nervous? Simple question, difficult answer.

I wonder if it will last, if we will last. Because honestly, how often does a relationship work out? I’ve been burned more than once. I’m cautious. I’m scared. He knows it. I try not to hide anything from him.

But it does raise the obvious question. In committed relationships, does monogamy equal monotony? Must we always be pushing each other’s buttons while we’re pushing sexual boundaries in order to stay interested?

I don’t get ‘love.’ I know it involves commitment and emotion and putting the other person’s needs before your own. I’m doing my damnedest to do that but every once in a while, I wonder if the effort is enough.

I wonder if today, everything I’ve done to make things right falls short, or something goes really wrong and I fail, and the person I’ve welcomed into my life and come to depend on decides he’d rather be elsewhere.

That’s a sobering thought. It’s amazing I keep trying at all. I’ll have to accept HFN (happy for now) and keep my fingers crossed.

 

About Theo Fenraven

Theo Fenraven lives in St Paul, MN, where it is really cold most of the year. Find him on Twitter, Google +, and Facebook by searching on 'fenraven'.
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10 Responses to Happily Ever After: Does it Exist?

  1. AJ Rose says:

    First of all, you’re allowed to miss someone you cared about so much without it detracting from the way you feel about me. That whole thing ended abruptly, and not too long ago, so missing him is normal. I get it. But ‘don’t tell AJ’? Really? Completely unnecessary worry right there. Let it go. Your past is part of what makes you you, and I wouldn’t have you any other way.

    Second, I know you, and have for years. I know your faults, and the shit that drives me nuts (talking over the top of me, agreeing to plans for us both without seeing if I have something going on, and your cold fucking feet in bed), and I’m in love with you anyway. If I ever wanted to be elsewhere, I don’t see that happening with the flip of a switch. I tried to not love you and I failed. So it would have to be pretty damned bad for me to want out, and I won’t let it get to that point. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: I will talk to you if I’m not getting something I need from you. We’ll work through whatever. Relationships take work. I will never walk away without working as hard as I can to stay. The only way I’ll go is if you tell me to and I can’t convince you otherwise.

    Maybe you’ll get sick of me, leaving my socks on the floor or stealing the covers, or swiping the last beer. Maybe you’ll get tired of me asking you to write with me again despite it feeling too much like before when we both got shat on, or you’ll get bored with me because I’m stubborn and don’t like change. Maybe you’ll be the one deciding elsewhere sounds better than being with me. There aren’t enough maybes in the world for me to think the risk of losing you is too great to give up being with you in the first place. I’ve decided. And you know I don’t do anything half-assed once I set my mind to it.

    Just try and shake me.

  2. abichica says:

    aaawww!! look at you two love birds!! * puking rainbows*!! you are adorable.. :-D… And i must say, i’m loving AJ more and more after that comment.. its really good that you love Theo ooh so very much(regardless of the cold feet in bed and all :-D)… And Theo i do believe in happily ever after, always have, i think im just an incurable romantic..lol.. a little too naive maybe… and as for the pushing sexual boundaries i believe it is not really that.. it is just wanting to try and do everything possible that you could possibly do sexually to enjoy every taste of your loved ones!! :-D .

  3. W. Lotus says:

    BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Love the underwear comment.

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