That’s when I woke up, anxiety flashing through, paralyzing me and lighting up the inside of my head. I laid there, stiff as a board, for a while before realizing I wasn’t going back to sleep. I got up and went into the other room.
I wanted to scream or throw things at the wall, but it was 5 a.m. So I curled up on the couch and listened to my nerves jangle and my stomach jump around. <–That’s really unpleasant, by the way. It was sort of like I was flying apart from the center.
After a while, JJ found me. “Why are you out here?”
“I’m having a meltdown.”
He moved me around until he was sitting with my head in his lap. “You don’t have to do this. You can change your mind and stay.”
“Too late.” It was, I could feel it. Too late. Suddenly, I wondered if this was how people standing at the altar felt when they realized they were marrying the wrong person even as the official was waiting for them to say “I do.”
His fingers threaded through my hair. “It’s never too late, but I know you. You’re going to bulldoze your way through this no matter what, and Fen, you will be okay. I never doubt that for a second.”
What the hell would I do without JJ? He’s so damn wonderful. Here it was, three days before the move and he’s trying to reassure me when I should be doing that for him.
He called in sick. He never calls in sick, but he decided to spend today with me. I love him. I don’t want to leave him.
What the hell am I doing?