AJ and I talked today. We both write on our blogs about things that happen in our lives. I’m pretty sure he’ll be posting his own version of our conversation, but here’s mine.
After forcing down some toast and calling JJ on his cell repeatedly and not getting an answer, I made my way to AJ’s place. He buzzed me up, and when I knocked, he didn’t open the door; instead, he called, “Come in.”
I flung the door open. He was sitting on the couch, legs sprawled. I halted a couple feet into his place, our eyes locked. “JJ and I had a…discussion last night about something you posted on your LJ. Want to tell me about it?” That’s me, not wasting time on small talk.
“I’m sorry. It wasn’t meant to be seen by anyone. I didn’t mean to…” He gestured between us before looking away.
I kept my voice quiet. “You said you were in love with me.” Yeah, just put it out there, Fen. Don’t beat around the bush.
He flushed a very pretty color, tried to speak, failed, and simply nodded.
I walked over and sat beside him, leaving a couple feet between us. “Well. At least it’s out now. We’ve been dancing around this thing for months, maybe years.” I heaved a sigh. “He asked me if you and I would be together if he wasn’t with me. Truth is…we might be.”
There was a pause, and then he said, “What?”
I turned to face him. “I’ve always had a thing for you. Jeez, AJ, you’re fucking hot. But our timing was always off. I was with someone or you were with someone or whatever, but it never happened. There. I said it. I’ve been not saying it for a long time. After what happened last night, I figured it was time I did.”
He shifted the slightest bit closer. “Our timing still sucks. Considering what you’re dealing with lately, the last thing I want to do is add to your problems, and I’d never come between you and JJ. He has a right to hate me.”
“He doesn’t hate you…” His eyebrow went up and I recanted. “Yeah, he sort of does, but that’s his problem. I’ve never given him reason to doubt me or question how important you are to me. First, we’re friends. That can’t change, okay? Because I need you right now, and I need JJ, too. I wish he understood that.”
He turned to face me, drawing one leg up on the couch, hands open on his knees. “Nothing’s going to change between us. I’m still your best friend. The LJ thing was a huge mistake. I’m sorry. I’m here for you.”
I nodded. “There’s more. The first thing led to a second thing…” See? I can be vague with the best of them. “JJ insisted I no longer write about him on the blog. I told him I wouldn’t stop…in short, big fight and this morning, he was gone.” A rush a fear went through me. What if he didn’t come back?
I loved JJ. I very much enjoyed him being in my life, sharing my space. The thought of being alone again made me freak just a little. I was getting too old to keep fucking relationships up. Maybe JJ was right? I should stop writing the blog, or turn it into an author’s page, post about releases and publishing news and leave the personal stuff out? The thought made me sad. I loved writing about my life, and JJ’s, and I’d taken plenty of steps to keep our location and identities secret.
“He got pissed because you write about him? It’s not like you’re using his real name or other personal stuff.” He went to the fridge for a soda, offering me one. I nodded, and he threw me one. “Did he take his stuff with him?”
“No.” I popped the top and drank. “He acts like I wrote about our sex life, which I never did, ever. That really is private, and it’s staying that way.” I drank again. “He’s coming back. He just has to think things out.”
“What a mess!” He flopped beside me again, gulping at his drink. “Why’s JJ reading my blog anyway? I didn’t think he cared.”
“Said he was curious.” I glanced at him. “Remember what happened to the cat?” We laughed together, but it was weak. “I’m putting this conversation online. Is that gonna bother you?”
He gave me a deadpan look. “I’m doing it, too. I trust your judgment about what to post and what not to. I have no issues with what’s on your blog, but you have every right to be pissed at me.”
“Why? ‘Cause of that thing you posted that you then took down?” I couldn’t help teasing him a little. “Can I see it?”
I was surprised when he opened the laptop, typed on the keyboard a few seconds, and then slid it onto my lap. I hadn’t really expected him to let me read it. While I did so, he kept himself busy in the kitchen.
It was the closest thing to a love letter I’d ever gotten. I choked up, swallowed a couple of times, finished my soda, and crushed the can–why, I don’t know. All this energy was running through me and it needed to come out, I guess.
I waited for him to return and when he did, pushed the laptop onto the couch and stood. “That was…Jesus, AJ.” I walked around the coffee table and pulled him against me. “Thanks,” I whispered in his ear. “Love you, too.” I couldn’t help adding, “But if you tell JJ I said that, I’ll have to kill you.”
He chuckled. “Not going anywhere near JJ with that. Can I call him? Assure him I’m not a home wrecker?” He ran nervous fingers through his blondish hair. “Fuck. Really sorry about this.
Releasing him, I drifted toward the door. “Sure, call him. Hopefully, he’s back later. I’m heading home now. I want to be there when he returns.” I paused with my hand on the knob. He really was a sexy fucker. Always had been. For a moment, I felt deep regret we’d never been able to explore that. “We’re good then?”
He nodded. “Always.”
I smiled and left. This part of my life was dealt with. Now I had to deal with JJ.